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Almost always, sex is simply too much.
It’s too much expectation; too much pain; often just too much effort that leads to too much debilitating exhaustion; too much disappointment. I’m disabled you see, so it’s rare that sex isn’t too much. But it just as often brings too much joy; too much connection; too much Cosmic Divinity; too much glorious pleasure that leads to too much unbelievably soaring release. So, far too wonderful to lose. Thus, I will reach out to my partner with my broken, weakening body until I am just too, too, too totally unable to do so.
I LOVE sex. I believe and live a sex-positive life, having found a true connection with the Cosmic Creator through practicing Tantra in sexual unions. Wicca has allowed me the freedom to set guilt aside and embrace physical pleasure for the gift that it is. But, this has been a pretty tough year for me. I have Lupus, S.E., and it’s devastated a lot of my joints (I walk with two canes), and is now working on the ’ole noggin. I’m 53, but feel more like 93 a lot of time (and no, not the new 93 either!)
I’ve lived with the diagnosis a very long time, adjusting my sex life so that the positions required for success could be consistently met with a partner or during solo sex. Recently, that’s been more and more difficult. It may well be that I won’t be able to find a comfortable position at all some day – so I have to prepare for that horrible possibility.
You know, most disabled women and men never discuss their sex lives or sexual problems publicly or sadly, even in private. There is such an enormous layer of shame surrounding it, like it’s somehow our fault that our limbs won’t respond like a “normal,” able-bodied person. Like we’re filthy, unclean in the Biblical sense.
Recently, I looked through a bunch of free porn on the Internet. No, I’m not into it, although there’s nothing wrong with porn, and I actually surprised myself by finding some of it arousing. I had been looking for an image to copy and stylize for this blog when I ran into some very troubling information. It seems that if someone is in a wheelchair, or is otherwise visibly disabled and are depicted in porn, it is produced as “fetish sex.” FETISH SEX! In other words, not regular-people-porn. (I can’t believe I’m arguing we should be treated better by the porn industry, but I am.)
Here’s the dictionary definition of fetish: “The paraphilic focus in Fetishism involves the use of nonliving objects (the "fetish"). Among the more common fetish objects are women's underpants, bras, stockings, shoes, boots, or other wearing apparel. The person with Fetishism frequently masturbates while holding, rubbing, or smelling the fetish object or may ask the sexual partner to wear the object during their sexual encounters. Usually the fetish is required or strongly preferred for sexual excitement, and in its absence there may be erectile dysfunction in males…Usually the Paraphilia begins by adolescence, although the fetish may have been endowed with special significance earlier in childhood. Once established, Fetishism tends to be chronic.”
Obviously, fetish has also come to be used to denote any preference that has an erotic or sensual tinge to it, even if it isn’t part of a person’s traditional sex life. So someone who really loves shoes may describe themselves as having a shoe fetish. On the other hand, someone who likes to incorporate fur into their sex play may say they have fur fetish. Thus, someone who gets off by seeing someone in a wheelchair has a disabled-person fetish? Holy crap, as if life with a serious/fatal illness wasn’t rough enough already.
Everyone needs to feel good about themselves at least a little bit to be able to have sex, rotten self-esteem takes the steam out of the sizzle faster than anything else. So, when the porn industry throws us under the bus, too, it simply underscores just how the rest of society must see us, too.
I had already discovered that there are no sex aids for the disabled on the market – believe me, I’d looked everywhere. As a woman, a gadget that would help me reach would be great, or something to support my arms while I try to pleasure my partner, since my hands are unable to work long or well. Nothing, zip, nada. Soooooo, I have been forced to improvise, as I’m sure all other disabled people must, too.
In many ways, I’m lucky to be female since I don’t have to depend on holding an erection, which must be a nightmare for a lot of disabled guys. I’m also lucky because I orgasm easily and consistently – as long as the right areas can be comfortably reached, that is.
Does society really think we have no right to sex? That we are non-entities, sexless eunuchs who should stay in the background. We should know and keep our place. Above all, that we are not flesh and blood human beings with deep feelings, passionate desires, and strong sexual drives. Are you surprised to hear that we have just as many earthly needs as you have? That we have as much of a birthright to orgasm you. Or, does the real image of a disabled person deeply aroused or in full orgasm repulse you? Be brutally honest. The truth is it might even repulse you if you are disabled.
I assume that any erotica penned that involves a disabled person would be considered fetish sex, or even deviant sex. That’s too bad. We disabled know a lot about sex – we have to. We have to understand how our bodies, and yours, work to be able to have sex consistently and successfully. We know cool little – and sometimes big – tricks that you might really, really enjoy. We are also very patient, and are often forced to go nice and slow. We are generally sincerely considerate of your needs and pleasure, and very grateful for the kind, loving touches, kisses that we receive.
You see, when I have sex and the pleasure begins to build (inside or within my partner), I am no longer disabled. My body is no longer broken; I am suddenly floating free and unencumbered in the loving arms of endless, universal bliss, and I see the face of the Goddess. Is it any wonder that I do not – will not – give up this part of my life, and steadfastly refuse to apologize for it?
(FYI: There are few books I've found on this subject. The best for me by far is The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability
by Miriam Kaufman and Cory Silverberg.)
— Danu’s Daughter
[Above: Carlos Morales, president of the Atheist Agenda, debates religion with fellow students at UTSA's Sombrilla Plaza. The club hosted an event called "Smut for Smut," encouraging students to pick up a pornographic magazine in exchange for a Bible or other religious text, which members say are filled with examples of violence and torture.]
Tired of that old Bible or Quran?
Atheist Agenda – a student organization present on the University of Texas at San Antonio (UTSA) campus since 2005 – launched its annual 'Smut for Smut' campaign on campus. As outlined by MySA News, club members view religious texts as being on the same level as dirty pornography and thus freely exchange one for the other.
In addition to seeking nationwide media coverage and attention, the group is also hoping for a few faithless to convert to their cause and join the organization. Subsequently, the entire event is a means of opening the door to a dialog.
'Smut for Smut' is a yearly event that is always good for media attention, protesters and First Amendment debates. The UTSA student newspaper The Paisano points out that the porn for Bibles or other religious text exchange will continue until March 3. Atheists equate smutty porn with religious texts – although much of the criticism is aimed at the Christian Bible – because of the dangerous, hateful and misogynistic views the latter holds.
In a 2005 interview following the first 'Smut for Smut' campaign, the then-president of the Atheist Agenda discussed his beliefs with MSNBC. He considered religious texts as "tribal nonsense" that was "written...in tents."
As in the past, this year's campaign drew hundreds to UTSA's Sombrilla Plaza on March 2 to either cheer, protest or inquire about the event and to debate the role of religion in society.
By the Atheist Agenda's own admission, they collected a scant 10 religious texts on the first day of the Bible for porn campaign. Swappers were given print pornography, such as Playboy, Hustler or Penthouse. The group also garnered screaming protesters, Bible thumpers, those who would shake their heads, and most likely also feminist onlookers not too pleased at the porn being handed out.
The immediate religious counter-response in Texas and around the nation – though self-indicting – is that Atheist Agenda is unfairly cherry-picking from religious texts. According to The Paisano, throngs of religious – mostly Christian – believers showed up to form a counter-protest, shrilly condemning the perceived insult to their holy book, and playing right into Atheist Agenda's hands. Also, interestingly, a faction of professed 'agnostics' arrived to stand as a voice of reason separately between the two groups, both of whom they consider equally guilty of intolerance.
Some of the protesters maintained full respect for Atheist Agenda's right to speak. One student reportedly carried a sign that read, "Jesus loves the Atheist Agenda." Others were less lenient, and deemed Smut for Smut "inappropriate" and "offensive," with one reportedly ripping down a Smut for Smut campaign banner. Another student, Adam Zepada from nearby Saint Mary's University, told The Paisano, "I wanted to call up some homeboys and be like 'hey dawg, I wanna go up there and take care of it real quick.' But, because I'm saved and I gave my life to Christ in 2007, I don't live like that anymore."
"I don't understand how that equals at all..to the word of God..they're definitely opposites..." says Monica Coronado, a University of Texas – San Antonio freshman.
Coronado was one of many students who joined hands, denouncing the group's message. "Honestly God isn't just about killing people...He's about really righteousness...I just wanted to explain."
Others sided with Atheist Agenda. “It's a First Amendment right,” said Bradley Lewis, 18, a freshman from Pear-land who said he plans to join the Atheist Agenda. “If religious groups can put out missionaries and go knock on my door and wake me up at 7 a.m. on a Saturday morning, I can put a table outside of the college.”
Robin Lorkovic, 18, a freshman from Houston, disagreed. Lorkovic stood near the “Smut for Smut” table holding a cardboard sign that said “God Loves You! Keep your Bible and learn from it!”
“I don't really feel like that is appropriate at all,” Lorkovic said. “I am a Christian. I believe in God's love, and I am here to stand my ground and stand up for what I believe in.”
The debate spurred plenty of emotion from both sides, but some students took a different approach, supporting neither side, saying the debate accomplished nothing.
"They're going up against each other and what they stand for...what they believe in, is okay..but what they're doing today is something that fosters hatred," said Natalie Tenorio, who remained neutral.
The Atheist Agenda started at UTSA in 2005, and the group's first “Smut for Smut” campaign blew up into a national media sensation. Past President Thomas Jackson was deluged with interview requests, and he debated Tucker Carlson, the bow-tie-wearing conservative pundit, on MSNBC.
Police kept a watchful gaze over students involved in heated debates and did not report any violence.
“This is ultimately why this is going on,” Lewis said. “It's an icebreaker to get people talking about these things.”
According to a University spokesman, what the atheist groups' believe may not represent the majority of the student body. What they did was legal.
"As long as students are not violating laws or violating the Constitution, they have the freedom of speech and assembly." said David Gabler, Vice President of UTSA Communications.
Before I address the religious aspect of this account, a brief comment about pornography. I wish that Atheist Agenda had used a different vehicle to exchange with the religious texts – not for the sake of the faithful, but for the sake of porn. In a repressed society, we should be working toward a sex positive view, which includes acceptance of porn for the use and enjoyment of adults. I strongly support working to improve the image of women depicted throughout most porn magazines and DVDs. I also strongly support the women and men who work in the sex industry.
Now then. As long as the basic divide between adherents to the numerous world faiths, and those who adhere to none, remains irreconcilable, the area where we all can – and must – converge is blocked. There will be no way to actually have that important conversation. Violence or terror, most obviously, are unacceptable. But the milder form so often practiced by believers – a puerile refusal to allow one's ideas to be criticized at all – can be just as prohibitive to the conversation. Equally obstructionist was Atheist Agenda's jab at ancient texts many believe to be sacred. While they did not direct their apparent satire at any person, it was nonetheless hurtful. As a Wiccan, I respect every person's faith and will do nothing to belittle them, or those who follow their precepts. Ideas and sources must be open for criticism, but it must be constructive and NOT mean spirited.
— Danu's Daughter
