The Unabashed JOYS of July!

July begins with a solar eclipse today visible in some hemispheres; heralds the unofficial start to the Summer season in the Northern regions, and is the end of an astrological downturn that has enveloped us all for the past two years!

Although there are no Pagan holidays to enjoy, those of us in the U.S. can easily adapt Independence Day as a fabulous celebration in the Wiccan way!

July kicks off the season with the return of long days, warm nights and Nature’s own sparklers, which are my all-time personal favorites – fireflies!

What is July 4th without family, friends, food, and for adults, some appropriate alcoholic beverages? As Wiccans, we love to celebrate the glories of Nature, and summer provides so many outdoor opportunities to do just that.

If you’ve never celebrated an Esbats' ritual outdoors, July provides the nighttime warmth to comfortably dance and celebrate the Goddess under the stars. Adults of any gender or sexual orientation may even decide to worship the Goddess outside in the wild abandon of a primal sexual union.

Is it any wonder then, that Dionysus (or Bacchus) is often honored at this time of year?

Dionysus (Bacchus), the God of Wine and Ecstasy

Bacchus – whom the Greeks knew as Dionysus – was a latecomer to the Olympic Pantheon and is most often said to be the son of Zeus by the mortal woman Semele.

Semele appealed to Zeus to reveal himself to her in his true form, and she was literally consumed in fire by the glory of his thunder and lightning. In the mythology, Zeus took the unborn child into his own body, later giving birth to him through his thigh.

This is a later account, however, for Dionysus was the name of the old, wild agricultural God of Thrace and Phrygia. Semele is also associated with the Phrygian Earth Goddess Zemelo.

Though he is credited with discovering grapes and the art of wine-making, Dionysus (Bacchus) was the god of more than wine. He is also referred to as the god of the wilds – not the wilds of visible nature where Artemis reigns, but the wilds that extend so far and so deep within the secret regions of the human personality.

Within the heart of the worship of Dionysus (Bacchus) lies the recognition of our need for an occasional release from the bonds of custom and even respectability. He represents a permanent human force. It is a force that every era and culture seeks, if not to suppress, to channel and contain. This urge to “let oneself go” is not a bad thing, provided we are aware of it and ensure that we do nothing to harm another, or ourselves. To resist and deny Dionysus (Bacchus) and the so-called “wild” side of our inner selves, is to reject a measure of deep, honest joy that is every person’s birthright.

A beautiful romance involves the tale of Dionysus and Ariadne. Ariadne, who was a beautiful Cretan Princess, had abandoned her homeland to run away with the Greek hero, Theseus.

However, Theseus tired of her and soon abandoned her on the island of Naxos. In despair, she flung herself into the sea but was rescued by Dionysus (Bacchus). They fell in love and he made her his Priestess. When she finally died, he hurled the crown he had given her into the heavens where it remains as the constellation Corona. This tale formed part the “Dionysian Mysteries” that were performed in the Roman town of Pompeii.

The rites of Dionysus were introduced into Athens by Peisistratus in the Mid-6th Century BCE. His temple was built at the Acropolis and his priests and priestesses were accompanied by masked performers of the god's stories, who were called tragodoi (literally "goat singers"). These performances became the basis of the Greek Tragedy, which was the origin of theatre in the west.

Dionysian masks were often used as antefixes on the walls of temples.

Important July Dates

— July 1, 3:54 a.m. – New Moon, 3:38 a.m., Solar Eclipse

At 9 degrees Cancer, the New Moon solar eclipse on July 1 is the last of the Capricorn-Cancer eclipse series, and represents a wrap-up or resolution of a difficult situation that began in mid-2009.

You may have another couple of weeks of "cleanup" to do – until the Full Moon on July 15. But overall, the challenge you've faced for the past two years will fade away in the rearview mirror, and not a moment too soon! Everyone is exhausted and ready for a break.

Most of us have had a harrowing two years, complicated by the eclipses in cardinal Capricorn and Cancer. And while the last one forms a tense grand cross with Saturn, Uranus and Pluto, it's going to be a relief for us, and that the tears we shed will include tears of gratitude that we're still here and still standing.

The chart for this eclipse is intimidating, dominated by a bright red grand cross. However, there are two very clear "outs" – paths where blocked energy can flow and be put to positive use.

The first is a trine between Pluto and Jupiter. This easy aspect supports transformation and positive change. Finding solutions to problems requires expanding the mind. We can do that now. Both planets are in earth signs and suggest tangible, material results.

The second flows between Saturn and Mars, the planet of action. In Gemini, it's speedy action, too, although there's a risk that there may be more talk than action. Still, with Saturn recently returned direct and Mars in an air sign, we can put on our thinking caps, come up with realistic plans, and do the hard work necessary to get the results we want. And it will be hard work. The inconjunct between Mars and Pluto suggests that acting without thinking things through could end up a total waste of energy.

The real difficulty here is the square from the Sun and Moon to Saturn. For many of us, moving in a new direction required leaving something or someone behind. Even though we may feel confident that we made the right decision, loss is sad and painful. Cancer is the sentimental sign of the zodiac, so we could be very emotional for a day or two on either side of the eclipse.

— July 4, U.S. Independence Day

We the People

They say "we the people" started this nation that endures
The beautiful land that is mine, the same land that is yours
Founding fathers knew eternity is a right smart piece of time
As they pledged allegiance to the source of their rhythm and rhyme
Must "we" became "they" at the end of the day,
or does every generation have something to say?
"O say can you see, by the dawn's early light,"
was it "we" or "they" that gives us the right?

~ Michael D Nalley

— July 15, 1:40 a.m., Full Moon

Moon of 1,001 Obeisances

The Capricorn Full moon is the time to consider the polarities of leadership and service. One who wishes to lead must first learn to serve. Capricorn is the sign of mastery, and of service, performing thankless tasks willingly for the greater good. Bees and ants understand how service roles support the group.

Rituals are performed through the orderly fulfillment of roles and tasks, often using ritual tools. Undertaking humble tasks with a willing heart creates a unified spirit of sacredness.

A Solitary Practitioner may emphasize each task in the circle-casting and ritual procedure. Slowly move through the ritual, mentally assuming the role of acolyte, cup-bearer, circle-caster, and finally, invoker of a deity. Bow at each direction and bow to the representation of the chosen deity.

In a group, these roles are assigned to each coven member, plus censer-holder, athame-wielder, paten-holder, etc. Each member concentrates on performing their task humbly and quietly, without ego. Honor the gods through bowing, kneeling, gifts and service. It is no coincidence that leaders are often those who gave the greatest service to the group and the gods.

~ Elizabeth Hazel in Llewellyn's 2011 Witches' Datebook

Stone of the Month: Fire Agate

Fire agate is a stone of courage, protection, and strength. Mystical lore says that it relieves fears, halts gossip and even reflects any threat of harm back to the source.

Fire agate can help with spiritual advancement and progression. It promotes and enhances energy, including meditation, ritual, and spiritual healing energies. It also balances masculine (active) and feminine (receptive) energies.

It is also said that it can take the edge off the emotional charge of problems. Fire agate is often used in spells to increase skills in communication in writing and speaking. It can also heighten creative visualization. It can be used for amplifying psychic talents. It has been used by shamans for stimulating clairvoyance and in order to evoke images and memories of other lives.

In healing, it is considered to increase the natural talents and abilities of healing. Metaphysical healing lore professes that fire agate assists with healing of the circulatory system, lymph system, and intestines.

Fire agate is associated primarily with the sacral, and root chakras.

Rune of the Month: Hagalaz

Hagalaz (H: Hail.) represents the wrath of nature, destructive, uncontrolled forces, especially the weather, or within the unconscious; tempering, testing, and trial. It can be used to control crisis, leading to completion, inner harmony.

Thus, Hagalaz Merkstave (Hagalaz cannot be reversed, but may lie in opposition) represents natural disaster, catastrophe; stagnation; loss of power; pain, loss, suffering, hardship, sickness, and crisis.

Tarot Card of the Month: 10 of Pentacles

The Ten of Pentacles heralds great accomplishment and success, suggesting that you have reached the pinnacle of your career or goal. This is also a card of stability and certainty, highlighting that you have established a solid foundation for your future career path.

Correspondence of the Month: Time of Day

Sunrise – Purification, business, success, study, travel, employment, breaking habits, guilt, jealousy, healing disease, and conscious mind.
Noon – Magickal energy, physical energy, strength, protection, money, courage.
Sunset – Breaking addictions, weight loss, banishing, misery, pain, anguish, negative habits.
Night – Beauty, dreams, psychic dreams, awareness, sex, spirituality, purification, love, friendship, peace, releasing stress.

Herb of the Month: Aloe Vera

Water/Moon
Gender – Feminine
Parts Used – Entire plant
Magickal Properties – Protection, attracting luck
Uses – Hang at front door, in the kitchen, in doorways and hallways to attract luck, and protect the inhabitants.

Spell of the Month: Rain Cumulus

For the Solitary Practitioner – Simply select a bowl that feels good to you and fill it with cool water. Cast a Magickal Circle, after placing the bowl within its confines. After the casting is complete, sit directly in front of the bowl and repeat the following chant over it:

"Water Nymphs strike the clouds so rain will fall freely to the ground."

While chanting, visualize the area that needs rain, then see the clouds gathering overhead. See the cumulus clouds darken and gradually increase their moisture until they are laden and bursting with water. Next, see these glorious clouds release a fresh rain storm over the area that you have visualized needs the rain.

— Danu’s Daughter

Mr. Wolf is Huffing and Puffing and Well — You Know the Rest

My life has never been the same since first meeting Mr. Wolf more than a decade ago.

Sadly, he became so fond of me that he decided to move in without an invitation, and I have been woefully unable to evict him since, despite my very best efforts.

I have Lupus, which I refer to as “Mr. Wolf,” because lupus is the Latin word for wolf, and boy has he been snapping his big teeth at me of late.

I have the most serious form of the disease, Systemic Lupus Erythematosus (pronounced: er-uh-thee-muh-toe-sus), also called SLE, which is an autoimmune disease. As such, it is characterized by a malfunction of the immune system. In these types of diseases, the immune system cannot distinguish between the body’s own cells and tissues and that of ‘foreign’ matter. So, rather than simply producing antibodies to attack invading viruses, bacteria or other similar foreign substances, my immune system creates auto-antibodies that attack my body’s own cells and/or tissues.

Like the last of the Three Little Pigs, I've learned long ago to build my house's foundation soundly against his attacks. I have built it upon the concepts of spirituality (Wicca), love (bisexual), hard work, honesty and a willingness to play (the last has been the hardest part for me.) Nonetheless, the truth is that my house is about to come down around my ears.

The past few months have been bleak. Mr. Wolf has been feasting virtually at will — and sister, does he have a lot of will. During the current onslaught, I went to the doctor and was told what I already knew — Mr. Wolf is coming closer and closer to achieving his goal.

Last year, I had a horrible realization: I can no longer remember what it felt like to be well. Oh, I have memories of being very active, unabashedly athletic and whole, but they are no longer sense memories. It’s as if that part of my life was so insubstantial that it has been absorbed into the unreality of dream.

When I was first diagnosed more than 15 years ago, I was consumed with knowing why my own body was trying to destroy me. At first, I found myself looking deeply into the mirror: Who was this stranger that had taken over my body? And, even more importantly, how could I ever learn to live with her?

I fell into a deep-as-the-deepest ravine depression. There was nothing left of the person I once was. Nothing, absolutely nothing, remained. Or so I thought then. I had been wrong. Very wrong. A tiny, itty-bitty, bright even luminous speck of something had survived.

Was it my soul? I still don’t know, but I think so. I also came to believe it was the divine spark of creation housed within all beings; that indescribable “something” that connects us all to each other regardless of race, gender, age, creed, religion or geography. Whatever it was, I felt it. Visceral.

But for the past few months, nothing. It had been a long process, but I had finally begun to believe again that I had a body, that I was a woman, not simply a lump of flesh that temporarily housed my brain until my ever-approaching death. Unfortunately, almost imperceptibly, I had become a “thing” again.

I had thought that once I had found my “soul,” that knowledge — that sense of self, would be mine forever. It has been sobering indeed to realize that self-knowledge, even hard-fought, can be forgotten in the face of relentless disease and worsening disability. So, once again I stood on the very brink. I had managed to take a step back once before, but did I have the ability, or even the will, to do it again?

For days, I once again stared at the pill bottle, my “stash” I had hoarded for years that would bring on the ultimate darkness. If I gave in to its seduction and the sweet oblivion it promised, I would finally rest. And, I was so very, very tired.

I thought back, what had I done before? What was it that had caused me to give a damn whether I met the next dawn? Slowly, I remembered – it was that little zing of life. That shooting feeling that you are, indeed, alive. Even muted by illness it was still there, still calling me unceasingly back from suicide: Sensation.

I sighed and put the pill bottle away— again. I know now that I will not improve, or may never even stabilize again. The truce, the peaceful co-existence, the political accord that I had hammered out with him before is gone.

I must once again work to reclaim my body, make her a part of me again. Integration in a literal sense. I have been kind, nurturing, drawing her back — but that is no longer enough.

Before, it was my honest sexuality that was the key. I had worked to feel arousal again, slowly, gradually working to feel even a nano flash of sexual interest. Once I had done that, I almost immediately remembered the long-lost feeling of my “soul.”

When I was having sex, I was no longer disabled. The pain that has always been Mr. Wolf’s hallmark transcended into pleasure. Touch and intimacy has been my link to the divine for as long as I can remember. In those moments, I was my true self again. Not a disabled person on her way out, but a living, vibrant woman who was put on this planet for some purpose beyond my finite understanding.

It seems significant that I have to relearn this simple message yet again — but this time without my usual coping mechanism. My sexuality continues to elude me now, so I have to figure something else out. Perhaps I failed to appreciate that my real sense of self, my soul, cannot be wooed from the outside, but must be found within. Even though I had connected to her through my physical senses and the practice of a Divine sexuality, she is not really connected to my body at all. She exists in everything, in everyone. Even me — still.

Thus, I have decided to move forward knowing that my deterioration simply is. Mr. Wolf is real, and I can't pretend that he's just some euphemism I created to represent my disease. I need to find new ways to hang on, to continue breathing. I was given the gift of life, and it remains a gift still.

I also hereby re-dedicate my efforts to re-establish my intimate life. I want the most satisfying sex possible. For me, sex doesn’t just promote overall health, it has always meant the very breath of creation. Despite needing to learn a different way to remain connected, I refuse to give up hope that physical intimacy is lost to me now.

— Danu's Daughter

Pagan Roots of Valentine's Day

The pagan roots of Valentine's Day are difficult to trace, but let's celebrate it the Wiccan way with spells, rituals, love and sex with your significant other!


With Spring now on the wing, my winter-weary heart turns to the siren call of Valentine's desire. I want nothing more than to snuggle and cuddle with my partner, and to give myself over to the pleasure of our bodies.

Note: As a Wiccan who is also bi-sexual, it is important to honor and respect the coupling of all adults, regardless of gender orientation.

Sadly, the card and chocolate industries have hijacked this holiday until there no way to know where the sentiment ends, and the commercialism begins.

As an Eclectic Wiccan, I try to refocus away from the secular and back onto the spiritual. The Goddess we all celebrated on Imbolc is ready to extend her blessings to your Valentine's Day celebrations.

I redress my home altar with appropriate colors, then work some candle magick giving thanks for the people in my life that I love, and asking that my heart opens to receive additional relationships.

As a Wiccan, I adhere to the faith's most basic precepts:

"Bide the Wiccan laws ye must, in perfect love and perfect trust...Mind the Threefold Law ye should – three times bad and three times good...Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill – an it harm none, do what ye will."

This means that I perform NO rituals to compel someone to love me. Instead, I perform rituals that send love into the Earth, and give gratitude to the Goddess and God for the love that continues to blossom in my life.

This is also a time that some Pagans and Neo-Pagans perform hand-fasting ceremonies outdoors, akin to marriage ceremonies.
February has long been associated with love and romance, going back to the days of early Rome. Back then, February was the month in which people celebrated Lupercalia, a festival honoring the birth of Romulus and Remus, the twin founders of the city. As Lupercalia evolved and time went on, it morphed into a festival honoring fertility and the coming of spring.

But, isn’t Valentine’s Day a Christian day, named after a Christian saint? When we consider the matter more closely, we don’t find a strong relationship between Christian saints and romance. There is a lot of debate and disagreement among scholars about the origins of Valentine’s Day. We’ll never be able to disentangle all of the cultural and religious threads in order to reconstruct a complete and coherent story, but the pagan connections to the date are much stronger than the Christian ones.

February 14th and Juno Fructifier or Juno Februata

The Romans celebrated a holiday on February 14th to honor Juno Fructifier, Queen of the Roman gods and goddesses as well as goddess of marriage. In one ritual, women would submit their names to a common box and men would each draw one out. These two would be a couple for the duration of the festival (and at times for the entire following year). Both rituals were designed to promote not only fertility, but also life generally.

February 15th and Feast of Lupercalia

On February 15, Romans celebrated Luperaclia, honoring Faunus, god of fertility. Men would go to a grotto dedicated to Lupercal, the wolf god, located at the foot of Palatine Hill and where Romans believed that the founders of Rome, Romulus and Remus, were suckled by a she-wolf. The men would sacrifice a goat, don its skin, and run around, hitting women with small whips, an act which was supposed to ensure fertility.

Lupercalia, or "Wolf Festival," was partly in honor of Lupa, the she-wolf who suckled the infant orphans, Romulus and Remus, the founders of Rome.

Lupercalia was a very ancient, possibly pre-Roman pastoral festival, observed on February 13 through 15 to avert evil spirits and purify the city, releasing health and fertility. The religious ceremonies were directed by the Luperci, the "brothers of the wolf (lupus)", a corporation of priests of Faunus, dressed only in a goatskin. As Lupercalia evolved and time went on, it morphed into a festival honoring fertility and the coming of spring. Lupercalia subsumed Februa, a possibly earlier-origin spring cleansing ritual held on the same date, which gives the month of February its name.

Lupercalia's Love Lottery

For part of the celebration, young women would place their names in an urn. Eligible men would draw a name and the couple would pair of for the rest of the festival — sometimes even longer. As Christianity progressed into Rome, the practice was decried as Pagan and immoral, and done away with by Pope Gelasius around 500 C.E. Although recently there's been some scholarly debate about the existence of the Lupercalia lottery, it's still a legend that brings to mind ancient matchmaking rituals — perfect for this time of year!

A More Spiritual Celebration: Around the same time that the love lottery was being eliminated, Gelasius had a brilliant idea. Why not replace the lottery with something a bit more spiritual? He changed the love lottery to a lottery of the Saints — instead of pulling a pretty girl's name from the urn, young men pulled the name of a saint. The challenge for these bachelors was to try to be more saint-like in the coming year, studying and learning about the messages of their individual saint.

St. Valentine, Christian Priest

According to one story, Roman emperor Claudius II imposed a ban on marriages because too many young men were dodging the draft by getting married (only single men had to enter the army). A Christian priest named Valentinus was caught performing secret marriages and sentenced to death. While awaiting execution, young lovers visited him with notes about how much better love is than war — the first “valentines.” The execution occurred in 269 CE on February 14th.

St. Valentine, Second and Third

Another Valentinus was a priest jailed for helping Christians. During his stay he fell in love with the jailer’s daughter and sent her notes signed “from your Valentine.” He was eventually beheaded and buried on the Via Flaminia. Reportedly Pope Julius I built a basilica over his grave. A third and final Valentinius was the bishop of Terni and he was also martyred, with his relics being taken back to Terni.

Christianity Takes Over Valentine’s Day

In 469, emperor Gelasius declared February 14th a holy day in honor of Valentinus (remains unclear which Valentinus) instead of the pagan god Lupercus. This allowed Christianity to take over some of the celebrations of love and fertility which had previously occurred in the context of paganism. Pagan celebrations were reworked to fit the martyr theme — Christianity did not approve of rituals that encouraged sexuality. Instead of pulling girls’ names from boxes, both boys and girls chose the names of martyred saints from a box.

Valentine’s Day Turns to Love

It wasn’t until the Renaissance of 14th century that customs returned to celebrations of love and life rather than faith and death. People began to break free of some of the bonds imposed upon them by the Church and move towards a humanistic view of nature, society, and the individual. Moving towards more sensual art and literature, there was no shortage of poets and authors connecting the dawning of Spring with love, sexuality, and procreation.

Modern Valentine's Day Around the end of the 18th century, Valentine's Day cards began to appear. Small pamphlets were published, with sentimental poems that young men could copy and send to the object of their affections. Eventually, printing houses learned there was a profit to be made in pre-made cards, complete with romantic pictures and love-themed verse. The first American Valentine cards were created by Esther Howland in the 1870's, according to Victorian Treasury. Other than Christmas, more cards are exchanged at Valentine's Day than any other time of the year.

Valentine’s Day and Divination

As with so many other holidays that have pagan roots, divination came to play an important role in the development of modern Valentine’s Day. People looked to all sorts of things, primarily in nature, in order to find some sign about who might become their mate for life — their One True Love. There were also, of course, things which came to be used to induce love or lust.

That is why modern Wiccans often employ methods of divivination like Tarot Cards, scyring, and lucid dreaming to envision their true loves!

Commercialization of Valentine’s Day

Today, capitalist commercialism is the biggest aspect of Valentine’s Day. Hundreds of millions of dollars are spent on chocolate, candies, flowers, dinners, hotel rooms, jewelry, and other gifts used to celebrate February 14th. There’s a lot of money to be made from people’s desire to commemorate the day. Only Christmas and Halloween come close in the way that modern commercialism has transformed and adopted an ancient pagan celebration.

Valentine’s Day as a Pagan, Commercial Holiday

Valentine’s Day is no longer part of the official liturgical calendar of any Christian church; it was dropped from the Catholic calendar in 1969. It’s not a feast, a celebration, or a memorial of any martyrs. A return to more pagan-like celebrations of February 14th is not surprising — and neither is the overall commercialization of the day. Millions of people all over the world celebrate Valentine’s Day in one fashion or another, but it’s unlikely that even one of them celebrates it in an even remotely religious manner.

This has resulted in some backlash among religious leaders in some societies. Some of the negative reactions are due to the pagan and commercialized elements, but some must be attributed to the long-term Christian character of the day.

In India, Hindu nationalists threatened anyone caught observing any Christian holidays, including Valentine’s Day. Some young lovers ccaught in public together on Valentine’s Day were even assaulted. Government officials in Saudi Arabia prohibited Muslims from doing anything at all associated with Valentine’s Day.

A few Christians seem to be interested in restoring some semblance of religion to Valentine’s Day, though not in any traditional sense. They don’t want to use it as a means for memorializing saints, but as a means to evangelize. In Kansas, for example, Christians sent roses to high school girls that were accompanied by Bible verses. It’s not clear whether they were trying to reclaim a lost Christian holiday or merely trying to appropriate a secular, commercial holiday for their own purposes.

The truth, though, is that American culture has so taken over Valentine’s Day that no amount of Bible verses will be able to change things. Commercial interests make so much money from Valentine’s Day that they aren’t going to accept any changes that won’t lead to even more profits. Christians helped make Valentine’s Day a cultural holiday, and now it’s entirely out of their hands.

I, however, refuse to accept this. As a Wiccan, I find Valentine's Day the perfect day to honor the Gods and Goddesses, as well as the earth, from where all love begins.

So, remember your own spiritual link to your partner, and spend some quality time between the sheets to reinforce that sacred union. We often enjoy tantra or Tantric inspired Wiccan love-making. Experiment for what is best for you and your beloved, that's often more than half the fun!

(Here's a great book if you don't know much about Tantric Sex and want a quick course: Tantric Sex for Women: A Guide for Lesbian, Bi, Hetero and Solo Lovers.)

— Danu's Daughter

My Sex Life as a Disabled Woman

Almost always, sex is simply too much.

It’s too much expectation; too much pain; often just too much effort that leads to too much debilitating exhaustion; too much disappointment. I’m disabled you see, so it’s rare that sex isn’t too much. But it just as often brings too much joy; too much connection; too much Cosmic Divinity; too much glorious pleasure that leads to too much unbelievably soaring release. So, far too wonderful to lose. Thus, I will reach out to my partner with my broken, weakening body until I am just too, too, too totally unable to do so.

I LOVE sex. I believe and live a sex-positive life, having found a true connection with the Cosmic Creator through practicing Tantra in sexual unions. Wicca has allowed me the freedom to set guilt aside and embrace physical pleasure for the gift that it is. But, this has been a pretty tough year for me. I have Lupus, S.E., and it’s devastated a lot of my joints (I walk with two canes), and is now working on the ’ole noggin. I’m 53, but feel more like 93 a lot of time (and no, not the new 93 either!)

I’ve lived with the diagnosis a very long time, adjusting my sex life so that the positions required for success could be consistently met with a partner or during solo sex. Recently, that’s been more and more difficult. It may well be that I won’t be able to find a comfortable position at all some day – so I have to prepare for that horrible possibility.

You know, most disabled women and men never discuss their sex lives or sexual problems publicly or sadly, even in private. There is such an enormous layer of shame surrounding it, like it’s somehow our fault that our limbs won’t respond like a “normal,” able-bodied person. Like we’re filthy, unclean in the Biblical sense.

Recently, I looked through a bunch of free porn on the Internet. No, I’m not into it, although there’s nothing wrong with porn, and I actually surprised myself by finding some of it arousing. I had been looking for an image to copy and stylize for this blog when I ran into some very troubling information. It seems that if someone is in a wheelchair, or is otherwise visibly disabled and are depicted in porn, it is produced as “fetish sex.” FETISH SEX! In other words, not regular-people-porn. (I can’t believe I’m arguing we should be treated better by the porn industry, but I am.)

Here’s the dictionary definition of fetish: “The paraphilic focus in Fetishism involves the use of nonliving objects (the "fetish"). Among the more common fetish objects are women's underpants, bras, stockings, shoes, boots, or other wearing apparel. The person with Fetishism frequently masturbates while holding, rubbing, or smelling the fetish object or may ask the sexual partner to wear the object during their sexual encounters. Usually the fetish is required or strongly preferred for sexual excitement, and in its absence there may be erectile dysfunction in males…Usually the Paraphilia begins by adolescence, although the fetish may have been endowed with special significance earlier in childhood. Once established, Fetishism tends to be chronic.”

Obviously, fetish has also come to be used to denote any preference that has an erotic or sensual tinge to it, even if it isn’t part of a person’s traditional sex life. So someone who really loves shoes may describe themselves as having a shoe fetish. On the other hand, someone who likes to incorporate fur into their sex play may say they have fur fetish. Thus, someone who gets off by seeing someone in a wheelchair has a disabled-person fetish? Holy crap, as if life with a serious/fatal illness wasn’t rough enough already.

Everyone needs to feel good about themselves at least a little bit to be able to have sex, rotten self-esteem takes the steam out of the sizzle faster than anything else. So, when the porn industry throws us under the bus, too, it simply underscores just how the rest of society must see us, too.

I had already discovered that there are no sex aids for the disabled on the market – believe me, I’d looked everywhere. As a woman, a gadget that would help me reach would be great, or something to support my arms while I try to pleasure my partner, since my hands are unable to work long or well. Nothing, zip, nada. Soooooo, I have been forced to improvise, as I’m sure all other disabled people must, too.

In many ways, I’m lucky to be female since I don’t have to depend on holding an erection, which must be a nightmare for a lot of disabled guys. I’m also lucky because I orgasm easily and consistently – as long as the right areas can be comfortably reached, that is.

Does society really think we have no right to sex? That we are non-entities, sexless eunuchs who should stay in the background. We should know and keep our place. Above all, that we are not flesh and blood human beings with deep feelings, passionate desires, and strong sexual drives. Are you surprised to hear that we have just as many earthly needs as you have? That we have as much of a birthright to orgasm you. Or, does the real image of a disabled person deeply aroused or in full orgasm repulse you? Be brutally honest. The truth is it might even repulse you if you are disabled.

I assume that any erotica penned that involves a disabled person would be considered fetish sex, or even deviant sex. That’s too bad. We disabled know a lot about sex – we have to. We have to understand how our bodies, and yours, work to be able to have sex consistently and successfully. We know cool little – and sometimes big – tricks that you might really, really enjoy. We are also very patient, and are often forced to go nice and slow. We are generally sincerely considerate of your needs and pleasure, and very grateful for the kind, loving touches, kisses that we receive.

You see, when I have sex and the pleasure begins to build (inside or within my partner), I am no longer disabled. My body is no longer broken; I am suddenly floating free and unencumbered in the loving arms of endless, universal bliss, and I see the face of the Goddess. Is it any wonder that I do not – will not – give up this part of my life, and steadfastly refuse to apologize for it?

(FYI: There are few books I've found on this subject. The best for me by far is The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability by Miriam Kaufman and Cory Silverberg.)

— Danu’s Daughter